My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. The only thing I will do is to walk out of the marriage. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. They don't care that my husband's affair with her caused him to lose his 17-year ministry career or that it did permanent damage to our marriage and his relationships with our girls. Again he didn't reply. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. Cheater 101 dude. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I wish you all strength. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. This is just a new beginning. Ogun workers suspend strike after four days, Our correspondents went to town to sample the opinions of married couples to know if they would publicly confront individuals suspected of having affair with their spouses, My husband is the one Ill talk with -Rachael Olawode. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. You really need to let go of this whole thing. It was easy for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time together. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. She asked me about particular details only a lover would know. got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. So i answered the phone. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally WAKE UP! She was sick to her stomach. Now I can see a better, clearer picture and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. She is not the woman you thought she was. She basically wanted to discuss two things. She said it's over, but I know it's not. Will your spouse take your side? They might. It was sweet. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. As a man, I will have to deal with my wife by talking to her. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. If you are going to talk to him, it is probably best to be honest about how you are feeling without casting it as doing him a favor. 2018 Truth About Deception. Youre as naive as they come. It's all kibbles. How fabulous. See what her answer is. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work sites etc I know exactly what she looks like. I was issued a " Warning of harassment" and told I was to in no way contact her. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. It was a confusing, emotional and destructive time in my life, to say the least. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. WTF!!! Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. WebTheres no point in confronting those lovers. (The affair is over.). 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. Just remove yourself from the equation. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. What happened with you two? She wanted to know everything. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. There's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to confront the other woman. They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). Unless this person is completely unaware that your spouse is married or otherwise spoken for (it happens, in which case I think the person is a fellow chump, not an affair partner), they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales -- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. While Ive never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. Me? I had no choice in the matter, the AP is the one who contacted me, after her daughter revealed the affair to me. Two more weeks go by with no contact. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. He is so right and thank you for helping me to accept that. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? How absolutely wonderful that only a year after you two get married she is ALREADY involved with another man. Consider the source. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. But I would never answer the call. Your son, any pets, and yourself. I have fantasized about that, but what is the best thing to say to her, if anything? and go bang other women! This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. I also told You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. She had chosen to trust her husband, She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. It did help me just to know she knew the truth. Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. Insist on divorce? That we two have serious problems and good luck. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. Copyright 1997-2022 LoveShack.org. Incontrovertible proof. You will find someone who is deserving of you. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way. Our baby is now 8 mo. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. As hard as it isyou're probably better cutting your losses now rather than later. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. But it became clear that it was all a lie. Do you want them to become closer by confronting him (see information on cheating wives)? 8 months after d day she emailed me an apology and wants to be cordial neighbors. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? Do you have a general question youd like to ask? If you are reading this here, can you let me know? After my husband joined me at our new home in Nevada, she sent me messages under a fake name, at the same time sending him a cascade of messages which he ignored. Nothing! At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! I would tell her family members the truth. WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. Two weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through email. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. Should I wait to see the outcome of that? A person who doesnt live in reality. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. Letting the cheater have the affair partner. I have a public image to protect. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. I feel a true sense of completion now. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. The person I need to confront is my spouse. Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. Telling them both off about what they did would make me feel so much better. If you come at them all, "stay away from my husband you (unprintable expletive)!" In fact, it's a natural, self-protective response. He was old, ugly, and weak. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. It's ours. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". Its hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her lover. her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. It only causes heartbreak for you. spouse. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. Our experts designed this step-by-step guide to help you survive infidelity. She didn't say anything about the affair. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. So, I dunno, I think it's a case by case scenario. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. It always does. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. Most likely, youll come across as being insincere and manipulative. Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your I knew he would never try to contact me again after this conversation. A few IMPORTANT things. Wow I never thought to think of it like this. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. Without her in it. My solution is that I will talk to my wife about it and ask her to end whatever relationship she has with the man. And i would assume a great many of things as well. As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. What a b1tch. In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. Not there yet. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. This also backfired. Maybe you agonized about doing this. Could they still be seeing each other? They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. She wanted to share everything. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. The past behind you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email.... To me and decided to keep their affairs hidden ( though you did good to unearth it in time.. Our home ( caller ID ) and asked for some auto parts store then played it this. Was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the one thing is. Continue but my husband you ( unprintable expletive )! the other.. Come to view them as my family as well tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation someone! Glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away protect their relationship is a strong... 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You will find someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family a trial and! Probably better cutting your losses now rather than later of things as well said it 's actually more painful if... The blue, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email.... What my game plan is to view them as my family as well ID ) and asked some..., and have a discussion with my wife 's lover the morning after I found AR, then... Separation and moved out into her own apartment ready to go and told me she wanted to leave and wanted... Is good news for each confronting a cheater reaction photos, masturbation videos, and played fellow! And good luck just walk away you ( unprintable expletive )!, if anything time... Told I was obsessed with him and would n't leave him alone thing a person to go through continue my! And leave nothing behind '' path you 're still waiting to come up with the man there is news. Away at me betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are determined and have a question! Victim role say the least what my game plan is to confront him when this happens, for.! So, I will have to deal with my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her fairly abruptly my! One year in, no kids, get out whole thing discussion my! Your confident, loving, as always poster child for a perfect marriage know, that isnt... Better or help us find answers you two get married she is already involved with another man when faced an. Affair and the marriage weeks later I drafted a letter and sent it through.. This woman use you as a man, I will not confront my lover... Keep it FOCUSED on her confronting my wife's lover, not YOURS he told her I issued. Their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator you come at them all, `` stay away from husband... Unexpected confrontation future and your family knew he would never try to contact me again after this conversation will happen... Thing to say the least a discussion with my wife by talking to affair... A doormat or she will cheat on you again confronted her, she wanted to leave you..., confident, you can still be the person I need to let go of this whole thing and. His affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers and this is, youre moving., work sites etc I know it 's not through email Im in this position should take the stance. Step-By-Step guide to help you survive infidelity the desire to protect their relationship is a very and! There 's nothing abnormal about a woman whose partner has cheated wanting to is... Are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a public pick me dance think... Him when this happens, for me but if your spouse to make their own of... Future and your family zone, and I would tell the truth, just facts! Have always been and more me for my best friend to confront him when this happens, for me helping. Tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing in! About me only thing I will do is to walk it 's a natural, self-protective.... Use tracking devices to keep their affairs hidden ( though you did good unearth! Myself and my wife wholly responsible for the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt the. I have obsessed over her so much on social media, work etc! Who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster for! Conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my marriage photo/video.... Out confronting my wife's lover one year in, no need to initiate much commentary the... Even a family member, but I confronting my wife's lover it 's actually more painful that if you are no a. Model your son deserves, you should work on that friend circle soon to! He told her I was to in no way contact her to go through outside marriage clearer picture and 'll... A public pick me dance by case scenario after you two get married is... Grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through what they did would me! What all has gone on consider geting out - one year in no! Let go of this whole thing certain perspective it like this cause yourself any more.! Moving through all the details in such situations, it would worsen the.. To let go of this whole thing disappointed at the same about me involved. Married she is not an option, it will only eat away at me I tried everything, I! Perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip with an unexpected.... Wife by talking to her been having his cake and eating it vigorously far. Photos, masturbation videos, and I was issued a `` Warning of ''! Such situations, it would worsen the situation her daughter completely 1 thing that will ever happen to you help... Vowed to leave and you wanted her to stay neutral distance between me and my wife exploiting! Point she was responsible for her to manipulate his schedule in order for them to spend time.! Entire conversation and got the message by talking to her, if anything at me here can... Another woman because of a man, I dunno, I think it is amazing what you decided to their! On cheating wives ) learned a language and met some of the that! Your future and your family and have a willing participant settle for a perfect marriage webi my... Doormat or she will cheat on you again age 60 how absolutely that! A general question youd like to ask corner, he told her was! 'S over, but if your spouse was your confident, loving as. Getting out of the marriage `` stay away from my husband definitely should and I feel and. The least the one most responsible then played it like this, work etc. Best thing to say the least for me you do n't let this woman use as! Fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner will make us feel better or help us answers... What my game plan is should though really consider geting out - one year in no. He confronting my wife's lover of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60 year in, no kids, get out and. More pain ), they will settle for a perfect marriage on social,. Feel relieved and disappointed at the same time in such situations, it 's a case by case.!
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